I would love to be able to say that the only thing wrong with me is that I’m overweight.

LOVE to be able to say that because most people would hear that and think: fixable.

Unfortunately that isn’t something I’ll ever be able to say.

I can share that I’m no longer clinically obese, my BMI puts me in the “overweight” category now. I’m feeling better about the way I look and enjoying clothing more than I have in the past 14 years.

BUT I still suffer (and will for the rest of my life) from autoimmune diseases, and the issues associated with that can still bring my life to a standstill.

I’ve felt disengaged from life for a few months now—sure I still get through the day to day stuff but it hasn’t been easy.  I’ve distanced myself from people I love to hang out with because once again I feel the brain fog creeping in, the inflammation of my body makes it hard to concentrate on conversation and I feel like I bring the party down with my presence.

Living with an autoimmune disease can be tricky.  When you have more than one it gets complicated.  What helps with the inflammation and allergy often causes my thyroid to go out of wack.  And lately I’ve been experiencing some loss of muscle control. That symptom alone brings a whole host of other considerations and problems into my life…it’s the symptom my neurologist has warned me about and the one I can’t ignore for too much longer.

But first I need to deal with the breast issue.  After having 2 mammograms, 3 ultrasounds and being told the docs wanted to monitor me for the next six months due to a strange mass in my right breast,  I took matters into my own hands.  I went to a breast surgeon who took one look at the mammograms and told me she would want the mass taken out—no needle biopsy for me.  Surgery.

Needless to say the past five months have been a bit stressful.  Stress tends to trigger autoimmune symptoms.  The stress of the unknown for me is particularly bad.

I do have a plan in my mind if it turns out to be cancer.  Obviously I’m hoping this is not the case.  Having the back-up plan in my mind helps keep the stress down somewhat but this hasn’t been something I’ve yet been able to talk about. Joke about: yes, but talk about in my usual manner not so much.

As for the muscle control issue—no plan.  I expect it’ll be another MRI and a possible MS diagnosis…or maybe this is just another symptom of my current autoimmune and the stress I’ve been feeling.

I’ve kind of put life on hold in some ways.  I was so excited back in October planning a new business venture, planning to go back to school and working on getting healthy.  Then I hit the “oh shit” moment and fell apart a bit.  Oh I faked the happy well when I had to—but it’s getting harder to do as the reality of my life grabs hold.

Next week is surgery, and this week I feel like I’m falling apart emotionally.  I’m finding it harder to hold myself together to even get through the day to day…

I keep reminding myself that I’ve gotten through so much, these new symptoms and new issues are just a few more bumps on the road to health.

I’m trying to keep that in mind and stay positive.

It’s hard, but I’m trying.